I’m so psyched, I’m mean like happy like I have not felt in a long while. The depressive state I’ve been in has finally loosened its grips and the sun is out—double bonus! I plan this “launch” for a big thing I’ve been dreaming about – planning and plotting for months now. I’ve scheduled a livestream for a very special group of supporters…and then…YouTube literally goes down.
I frantically check my wifi and cellular connections. I try different devices, computers. Nope. The shit is down. Really? I have my husband Gian check with his devices and computers. Nada. I am struggling with acceptance. How could this happen? I sent out all of those emails, made announcements all over social media and now, in this moment, I am fairly certain that I personally broke YouTube.
There is the painful moment of questioning EVERYTHING. Seriously. “Why did I think I could make this happen?” “I’m not meant to move forward!” “What did it matter anyway?” “Should I rethink my entire plan?”. . . And then I laugh.
All the very loud self-loathing, negative speak is quiet. My confidence is louder. I know I did everything I could. I was prepared. I did test-runs. I did a “private” livestream right before to make sure everything looked and sounded good. I even put on makeup!
When it came time to go live for my stream, it simply stopped working. I tried about a 100 times, and no, it was still down. I then put funny little messages all over social media as well as on my site explaining what happened and I’m laughing. I’m laughing because for the first time in so long, I know that no, I did not break YouTube, and no, this is not Karmic punishment because God fashions my life as a sitcom for their enjoyment.
Nope. It went down. I’m not a victim. I’m not the cause. I’m not responsible for anything other than rescheduling a livestream and knowing that my people will be disappointed but understand. It kind of stinks because I was really looking forward to the livestream and connecting with my peeps, but it wasn’t meant to be.
I let it go. All the shame and frustration, and victim consciousness. I let it fade into the ethers because dammit, I have music to share. I will not lose another day to “poor me” mentality. I let it go. I hope you do too.